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Feb. 25th, 2007 | 09:09 pm
mood: draineddrained
posted by: dietcokehed in brainsickparent

I don't know what to say when my best friend tells me she's worried about me. Normally I'd say "it'll be ok, no need to worry". But it's not ok now. I'm not ok. But I also don't want to say "be worried". I don't want people to worry about me. Particularly people who can't do anything to help. I'm on my meds, I've caught up on sleep, the kids are currently behaving, but I still don't want them or this life. It occurred to me recently why no one has sent me to the nut house during a breakdown. They'd have the burden of caring for the twins. Nobody wants my burden. I hear it all the time "I don't know how you do it", "I don't envy you" and "I couldn't do it". Well, I'm heavily medicated and have remained relatively strong. But you can only have so much strength for so much time. I don't have the endurance to keep going. I know I need to find a new shrink (my old one stopped taking my insurance and I didn't like her anyway) and possibly have my meds upped or changed. Oh goody, more guinea pig testing on my brain.
I'm suicidal. I realized the other day that I now have a garage. In the morning, when I start the car before getting the kids in, I notice how quickly it fills the air with exhaust, and that's with the garage door wide open. I also found I don't mind the smell...
I don't think I'll ever go through with it. I don't want to leave my kids. I want to take them with me. But if I attempt it, and any of us were to survive I know life would be very difficult without the rest of us. I wouldn't make an "attempt" as a cry for help, because I wouldn't want to succeed. I have cried out for help already, literally, verbally. I drained my family resources, I think. I have ants in my bed for unknown reasons. Scouts. After...the scent of my hair? Who knows. I have fruit flies in my car. The kids' dad lets them eat in there and doesn't pick the food they drop/throw.

I know why mothers abandon their kids. I know why they take off and leave a two year old to fend for themselves at home. I know why they drown their kids.

I took a Vicodin for mood-altering purposes. It worked. I often wonder if abusing a drug or alcohol would help me get though this alive.

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